This experience happened about a month ago and I still haven't written it down so here goes finally...
Baby C as you know or maybe you don't but you will...he has had a sensitivity, allergy, who knows what it is yet, but he struggles with dairy...so we try our best to keep that out. The kid eats and eats so fast you can't even sit down to eat before you are up again getting him food. He nursed literally every two hours on the dot, he still is hungry all the time it seems. Thankfully he has gotten somewhat better with the whole idea of chewing your food before swallowing.
So let's go back to Christmas time of 2015. The meal consisted of spinach, pears, pomogranates, and I can't remember the rest. He was loving, loving, loving the pears and pomogranates. I gave him probably two whole pears and thought he had chewed them up. Fast forward an hour or so to family home evening. What happens? Cayson, I want to say spit up but we will say threw up whole pears and pomogranates nothing digested because nothing had been chewed. Some family left being freaked out that he was sick, I would have done the SAME thing...He was fine after a bath and ten minutes...thankfully because I don't care what you say, but no one likes throw up. Little did I know that Miss A was grossed out and a few months down the road she became terribly afraid of it happening to her. This old little incident is called "C's thing" in our house. She would say as she was eating..."am I just afraid of C's thing"? We had watched a Studio C episode within those few months in which the green crayon talks about throwing up chunks of green, and then at church her friend told her a story about her throwing up...and so now you know where it all began.
Miss A is a perfectionist, she has some high anxiety, and for two weeks she was VERY OCD. I know I was like that but OCD in different ways. For two weeks she started to refuse to wear any clothes that were green or orange, if you were wearing those colors she wouldn't touch you. She then started to refuse to wear clothes at all, and it was a HUGE tantrum anytime you would mention it. Take Easter Sunday for example...we missed sacrament meeting because she was crying afraid to put clothes on...we finally settled on aqua pants and a pink Elsa and Anna shirt...hair not done, not even combed, but we went to primary. The rest of Easter Sunday turned out so much better! She became more terrified as each day went on. She washed her hands all day long after touching anything, she woke up in the middle of the night one night crying because she was afraid her hands were dirty and she washed her hands for well over thrity minutes not being able to pull herself away. She was miserable. She wouldn't touch anything, she wouldn't let me touch her or if I did she would wipe it on the carpet, if she touched something she would wipe on the carpet, her face, legs, hands, arms you name it. She walked with her arms out, not touching her sides, fingers extended hands vertical. It made me so sad...it was literally taking over her little five year old life. I was a mess which didn't help. I had no clue what to do. I prayed and prayed asking for help and didn't seem to find anything. I was upset because I wanted her to be her normal happy five year old self again. I wanted to stop arguing over wearing clothes, washing hands, letting me hug her etc. Nothing came... I thought maybe she needs to go see someone and then other people had said that which made me feel really uncomfortable because I didn't think that was the right answer...
Well The second week, on a Thursday rolled around and I began to pray late one night, as I knelt down to say my prayer...it was about 10 or 10:30 and then my phone rang. It was my mom and dad. We talked about what was going on, how things were and I just broke down and sobbed. My mom basically said to me to quit being a baby, get yourself together, stop crying, you are the mom. At first I was upset with her for saying that to me...I thought well you are my mom aren't you supposed to comfort me? Can't I just cry, this is an experience that is hard...
After we all talked for a little longer and they said some other things we all hung up and then I started my prayer for the second time. I began by telling Him how upset I was and hurt by what she said, and kept talking just pouring out in prayer...as we kept talking my whole thoughts, and attitude began to change. My mind and heart were cleared...I realized my mom was totally right, she was being the mom that I needed! I would have understood that if I hadn't been in the oh I wish this would just go away attitude, I can't do this...blah blah blah. My mom saying that was my answer to the prayers that hadn't been answered yet. After my heart and changed the Lord was able to ease my burden because I was able to receive the revelation I needed to be able to help Miss A. I was humbled and had a better attitude not the sulking this is so hard for me..you know what I mean?
The next day we were in the Shopkin isle at Walmart. Miss A had clothes on, she had enough money, so we took her to buy the shopkin toy she had been saving for. Well she still was wiping off after touching things she thought was dirty...so she hadn't touched me or my clothes. Mr. D and baby C took off to look at something else so it was just the two of us there. She saw a pony toy she wanted also but only had enough money for one toy...the pony or the shopkin. I could see it in her face, her anxiety was beginning to rise, she got nervous and tense and began to cry. She was feeling stress over the toys too. I got down on my knees and looked at her, with a lot more patience and love then I had had the previous days, and I think I asked if she was okay or something like that. She looked at me and with tears in her eyes she said, "mommy I think I need a hug again". Words that filled my whole soul with joy! She hugged me and then she sat on my lap on the floor down the shopkin isle at walmart...people coming by I am sure thought she was crying because she couldn't have the toy she wanted, but in all actuality her healing and mine were starting to take place. We sat and cried and talked for a while about everything and I just hugged my sweet five year old.
Things started to get back to how they were after that and I was actually praying that we would have the nasty stomach bug come to our house thinking maybe it would help things get better quicker because she would realize that it is okay. But the Lord has a time frame and I honestly believe that it is way better than ours...
Two weeks ago after not praying for it...it hit us here and she was a champ. She was the sweetest little girl through it all. She has been okay with it all and made it through, she has told me "mommy, I am going to wear my clothes always". This little lady of ours just thinks of all the possibilities and what can go wrong and this and that...and it can be a little frustrating for me when other people say things about what they think we've done wrong, or think we should do. The Lord has blessed us with her and I learned through this that He knows her more than anyone which is why going to Him is the best place to go because He will guide you as you ask and wait. It is in His way and this experience has taught me the sweetness of His way, not easiness because it was challenging and I still worry that it will come back, but I know that the Lord knows what is going on and if I turn to Him with humility He will guide me. I am grateful for my mom who was inspired to say what she did. She changed my mothering completely and for that I will always be grateful. She is a marvelous woman. She is a blessing in my life and I know that the Lord knows I need her!
I also learned that I can't control my kids life. I am not in charge. They come with their own personalities and hardships. I get to be the influence in their life that will hopefully bring them closer to Christ through it all..the thick, the thin, the joy, the hardships. That is what mothering is about, being there to teach, love, nurture, and remind them of the divinity within. I love being a mom even if I stink sometimes :) It is okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment